10 Tips for Building a Support Network

For the most part, family is the centre of all of our lives. Right up until something happens that creates a rift, or a crack.

When safeguarding measures enter your family’s life, more than just cracks form, mountains you never imagined rise up and they seem impenetrable.

There is such deep shame, such painful isolation that comes part and parcel with having child protection proceedings. Starting with the measure of confidentiality. Your life is falling apart, your child may have been removed, and you aren’t allowed to say anything to anyone. 

Perhaps, you are still caring for your child, but even a dentist appointment, the whispers of the staff behind the desk, about your child being a ‘social case’, feels degrading.

Judgement, isolation, and anxiety weigh heavily on your shoulders and you  feel like curling up and hiding.

Don’t hide. 

Don’t curl up and grieve, alone.

I think the hardest situation in the world is having to survive when your child is gone.

This is a long process and this is where you need your team, your support network. 

Here are my ten ideas on how to build that support network that will be so crucial in getting from here to there.

1. Accept that this is going to be uncomfortable. This is going to take pushing yourself hard. The hardest things in life are often the most worthwhile. There are going to be days, when you would rather have a tooth pulled, where you are physically shaking with the struggle of it, days that maybe you don’t quite make it. You sit in the car park and cry, not quite able to make it that last few feet to go into the cafe to meet a friend for coffee. Write a text, reschedule and get up and try again.

You have survived worse than social discomfort. I know you can do this. 

2. Accept that this is going to take time. A lot more time than anticipated. It takes time to build new habits. Just like going to the gym you are going to be especially sore after the first few outings. It takes time to rebuild your trust, to build relationships with other people, and to start to feel like this is a part of your normal.

3. Accept that this is going to take a lot of effort. It is tempting to hold back and reserve your energy when you feel anxious and ashamed. This is going to initially feel like a massive waste of time. It will pay off in the long term. 

4. Explore a hobby in a new way, or start a new one. Anything from a local knitting group to taking up a martial art. I suspect most of us could benefit from kick boxing. Find something to spend your time on that renews you, soothes you, allows you to blow off steam. 

5. Be open, share something about yourself. It is so hard not to close up. There is no real risk to admitting to someone that you really like watching a particular TV series. Sharing opens the door to connect with people. 

6. Make at least three friends. You can’t ask one person to help all the time. Parents from your child’s school, family, work colleagues, medical professionals, support groups, social clubs, study groups, sports, even the cashier at your local shop. There are lots of people out there. Don’t let age be a barrier. The elderly neighbour has likely seen a lot in life, but maybe be just as lonely. It might be a relationship that would benefit both parties.

7. Make the effort to contact people regularly. Reach out and send them a text, give them a phone call. Don’t let a single day pass where you do not reach out to contact someone. Set yourself a reminder if necessary.

8. When you find someone that you connect with, ask them around for coffee. Invitations don’t have to only be extended for events and meals. A good friend and I used to regularly meet up and grocery shop together. It made for easy conversation as we discussed meal ideas, and laughed over product labels. It was low stress and a chore that needed doing anyways. I would leave the store feeling renewed, at least until I had to put the shopping away! It is terrifying to extend an invitation. The risk of rejection feels enormous. Do it! You might just make someone else’s day. 

9. Volunteer. There are lots of places that you can volunteer and this takes away any fear of needing an excuse to talk to people. It takes away the stigma, and allows you to seize back that part of your identity that was stolen. You can do good. You are doing good… just maybe you might start to remember that you are good. 

10. Social media. This is a heavily debated arena, but I would take the view in favour of social media. You need support first and foremost, and the major advantage of social media is that it crosses the vast distance between people in an unprecedented way. It isn’t relevant whether you connect with a next door neighbour or with another parent 100 miles away. The point is that you need to throw away the isolation, and find like minded people. 



When you feel good about yourself it is easy to socialise and go out. When you feel bad, it feels insurmountable. It is vital to avoid drowning in this process, and that requires a support network. They are your team. You wouldn’t expect a footballer to single handedly play the World Cup. Alone we can do sol little. Together, we can do so much. Don’t be that single footballer against the whole world. There is a community out here waiting for you.

Comments

Popular Posts